I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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