you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
