No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
