I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
