some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
