Don't you send me to vm
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
