ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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