Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
