How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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