im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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