i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
