I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
