if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
