I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
