I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
