So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
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he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.