What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.