Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
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When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place