did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
