i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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