I wish I could teleport
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
