dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
