Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
being pregnant is like rehab
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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