I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
