I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
