1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
