My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
