Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
