i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
