I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
