my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
