when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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