Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
