She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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