Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
