There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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