i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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