I accidentally had phone sex last night
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
