Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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