She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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