if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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