a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
