Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
