Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
