why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he thought i was a dude.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
