I'm really into asian looking animals
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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