Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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