So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
