Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I love you. Go after that dick
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
