Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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