Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
