suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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