I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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