I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
