Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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