There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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