My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
